


Dream walker

by Pizzama8



Series: Recovery [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coma, F/F, F/M, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1759071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pizzama8/pseuds/Pizzama8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat spends a little bit of time in his memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream walker

Infinity is by and large a relatively unimpressive concept. The visual representation of inifinity is quite bland, depending on your personal beliefs you could argue that looking up at the sky was looking at infinity. However things that create an impression of infinity; for example the endless bright white space that Karkat found himself now occupying, are a little more impressive. In every direction there was an endless field of white, a seemingly infinite expanse everywhere he turned. He knew he should be panicking, he knew he should probably be scared but he felt strangely calm; it was like he was home here in this space. Probably because he was, in a sense, home. The real Karkat, the physical one, was currently laying in a bed in a hospital surrounded by his quadrantmates and friends but the metaphysical Karkat; his consciousness so to speak. Was here, trapped inside his head.

There was a shift in the landscape and suddenly, hurtling at him from all directions, were small orbs each containing a memory. They sped past him and arranged themselves in neat rows and columns like the shelves of a library. He hesitated and lightly tapped one, suddenly he was sixteen again and he and Terezi were on their first date. They were walking down the pier and around them the sounds of a carnival blared; the cheerful music, the happy children and Terezi's familiar welcoming cackle. It had been a nice summer day, the sun not setting until late in the evening. They'd shared their first kiss on the ferris wheel. That was probably where the problems started; there was no spark, no fireworks.

Suddenly he was dragged from the kiss by a gust of wind and he was back in the library of memories. Only this time the bubbles were colour coded, some white, some blue and some an angry red. He hesitated and stepped towards a red one, peering into it to see if he could make out the memory that lay within. Finally he touched it lightly with the palm of his hand and was sucked into it. He was standing in a beige wallpapered staircase in front of a blue door with the number "37" on the front. He reached into his pocket and took out and old key, inside he could here the sound of two people grunting and moving together. His hand began to shake and he put the key in the door, turning it slowly and stepping inside. Scatted in the hallway of his and Terezi's apartment were clothes, needles and bottles of faygo. As he neared the doorway to their room he trod lightly over the discarded drugs and clothing. He peered around the doorway, staring in. 

The two were so focused on making love that they didn't notice Karkat standing in the doorway. The room was blurry, hazy like the memory was faded or unclear. But even through that it was evident that what they were doing was far too loving, far too friendly. It was the sort of interactions between matesprits rather than kismesises. They spoke to each other, teasingly but not unkindly, muttering sweet words.

"Don't tell Karkles, I'll tell him. He deserves to hear it from me."

"Alright sis, but if that motherfucker up and starts trouble for you, you let a brother know alright?"

"Pfft Karkles couldn't hurt a fly, he's safe, he's boring now that he's gotten what he wants. He never tries with the relationship anymore, but you, you're always there for me even when he isn't."

"Shit Terezi I'm sure Karkles isn't meaning to be such a bad matesprit."

"I know he doesn't mean it but... he won't tell me anything, he stays up all night without even coming to bed. He just lays on the sofa thinking. One night I found him with a bottle of sleeping pills just sitting there, staring at them."

"You try talking to him about it sis?"

"Of course, he shuts me out the moment I bring it up. I don't care any more though, he doesn't want to tell me or take part in the relationship that's fine by me. I'm tired of having my leg pulled."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing, the words were coming through like an echo it was surreal; her words bounced off the wall and struck him straight in the heart. He balled his hands into fists and managed to whisper out the word "Terezi." Before he was yanked out of the memory and placed back in the library. The colour of the memory had faded from red to a dull grey. He touched it again but nothing happened, looking around he realised that the other, non-red bubbles had faded to the same colour of grey and he didn't doubt that if he touched them nothing would happen.

He walked over to another red orb, hesitating before touching it and being drawn into the memory. He was standing in the middle of a park, Nepeta stood before him twiddling her sleeves nervously, her eyes looking anywhere but up at him. She swallowed nervously but then looked up at him with determination in her eyes, she opened her mouth to speak but someone called his name, it was Terezi and she was waving at him to come over. He yelled something back, something that come out as a bundle of syllables strung together but completely incoherent. He turned back to Nepeta with an impatient look on his face and she faltered, shaking her head and smiling weakly at him.

"It's not important Karkitty, I'll talk to you later!" She said, before running off trying to hide her blush and tears. Karkat wondered why he was being shown these things by his subconscious.

He was pulled from the memory once again, a sensation he was getting awfully tired of. Just as before the orb had turned into a dull grey, he looked around and spotted the next closest one, touching it gently. He was brought to the hallway of his and Terezi's apartment and he was roughly stuffing clothes, his clothes , into a travelling case. He wasn't putting them in neatly, he was shovelling them trying to hold back the angry tears that were already rolling down his cheeks. Terezi was shouting at him, holding a blanket around her body to hide her nudity, trying to reason with him or to explain herself he wasn't sure which. He didn't want to hear it, the way Gamzee stood behind her with an arm around her protectively, the way she leant against him for support. Kismesises his ass they were matesprits. Gamzee stood their silently, just watching and gently rubbing Terezi's back whilst she tried to excuse her behaviour but he zipped the travel bag shut and stormed out of the room. He paused and walked into the kitchen, grabbing his sleeping medication and pushing roughly past Terezi on his way out.

There was no pulling sensation this time, he stepped out of the memory and cleanly into the open space. There was a thud and the spent memory hit the floor like it was made of metal. He looked around and his other memories had vanished. All that remained were a handful of red orbs left, floating and scattered across the white plain. He approached the next one carefully this time, his eyes still red and cheeks still wet from the last one. He touched it and was brought to a moment that happened hours before he stumbled upon his matesprits affair. He was talking with Kanaya, she was sitting behind him with her arms gently wrapped around his neck and her head resting on his. He'd been having a lot of nightmares recently, about the game, about the other sessions. He could remember what the other Karkat's in those sessions had done and in his nightmares he experienced them, every death every sorry mistake every single regret. He reached the point where a drug induced dreamless sleep or no sleep at all were better than braving a night of terror and anger. She'd said reassuring things to him, some generic stuff and some things more specific. He hugged his knees to his chest, here he was a full grown troll and blubbering about nightmares to his moirail.

She had reassured him that it was fine, told him that he should tell Terezi and that maybe the way he acted was worrying her. He snorted at that, unsure of how he would even begin to broach the subject with her.

"Terezi will be understanding Karkat, you have to give her a chance. She's very worried about you and informs me that your relationship is starting to suffer because of it. Of course as your moirail I'm sworn to secrecy but if this destructive behaviour continues I will intervene with or without your permission."

"That really is unnecessary Kanaya, everything is fine I've just... I've just not been paying her the attention I should be. It's my fault really, I'll tell her when i get home okay?" 

She nodded, seemingly placated by his response.

He turned and was once again met with the white plain only there was something different about it. In the distance in every direction he looked there was a black wall and it seemed to be getting closer. That set off alarm bells in his head and he hurried over to the next red orb, pressing his hand against it and being dragged into the memory.

He was sitting on his sofa in his new apartment. It was smaller than his last one but cheaper, yeah it was really crappy hygiene wise but it was better than living on the streets. He'd been settled for two weeks now, his phone both mobile and landline were off. He'd stayed out of contact with everyone after he'd stormed out of his apartment. He wondered if he could have handled it better whilst he toyed with the bottle of sleeping pills in his left hand and swirled the small glass of scotch in his right. It didn't matter anymore, the nightmares had only gotten worse and he hadn't slept since leaving Terezi. He took the pill, chased it down with his drink and then decided it wasn't enough. So he took three more, still not satisfied he took another three. That was enough to slow him down, he lay down on the couch wondering if the dose he'd taken was enough to kill him, he hoped so. He didn't really want to take any more of the vile things.

He was jolted rather violently from the memory, the walls of darkness were closer now. Close enough that he could tell they were literally nothing. He rushed over to the next memory and dived in.

He was jolted awake by Kanaya knocking on his door. It was twelve hours after his first suicide attempt and all the pills had done was put him out for a while. He sat up slowly, grumbling and opening the door for Kanaya. He was a mess, his shirt was ruffled and he hadn't showered in three days. He had bags under his eyes and was having a little trouble standing upright. Kanaya took one look at him and pushed her way in, locking the door behind her and hugging him tightly before ushering him over to his bathroom. She ordered him to undress and whilst he did that she found towels and clothes for him, not deterred by his nudity she turned on his shower and pointed to it. He didn't protest, climbing into it and washing himself earnestly.

He stepped out five minutes later dressed in jeans, a shirt and a warm woollen jumper. He walked over and collapsed on his couch and Kanaya came in with a cup of tea, placing it in his hands and leaving. She returned and sat next to him with her own cup of tea, sipping it slowly whilst she tried to figure out what to say. It was fifteen minutes of silence before either said anything. In that time they'd run out of tea ad had just sat there waiting for the other to start. 

"Do I have to stay around here or can I trust you not to do something regrettable?" She finally asked, her hands in her lap clenching into fists.

He snorted and was about to retort when he began to cry, leaning against her shoulder and holding on to her sleeve desperately. She pulled him into a warm embrace and did her best to sooth him.

When he opened his eyes he was curled up on the cold hard white floor. He stood up on shaky legs and stumbled over to the next orb. There were only two left.

He was at the beach, he couldn't have been older than seventeen. The sun beamed down brightly on him and he raised a hand to keep it out of his face. In the distance he could see his friends playing in the water, he curled his knees to his chest and found himself sitting on a neat beach towel. Laying next to him was a sunbathing Kanaya and next to her, laying on her stomach and reading what at first glance appeared to be a trashy romance novel and then at second glance turned out to in fact be a trashy romance novel was Rose.

"Why did you recommend this book to me again Karkat?" She asked, turning another page. They were both in bikinis although Kanaya wore a weird sort of skirt along with hears, one of light green fabric with yellow flower patterns. It was rather tacky, she knew it was tacky but for some strange reason the fashionista seemed to adore wearing it.

"Well it's about a rainbowdrinker and a non-rainbowdrinker falling in love, they're both the same gender and one happens to be obsessed with fashion."

"Ah so would it be correct of me to assume then that you recommended it to be on the basis that I would be able to relate in some way to the main protagonist of the book?"

"Yes you could say that."

"Would it then also be correct of me to assume that you have in fact read this book?"

"Well, not in so many fucking words no."

"Karkat you are aware that this is an erotic novel yes?"

He blushed violently at that and shook his head.

"No, no I was fucking not Rose."

"Well, it is. Only it's not even a good erotic novel, in fact I'd go so far as to say that the person who wrote this has no idea how lesbian intercourse actually works. Especially between a rainbowdrinker and a non-rainbowdrinker."

"It's possible, I wouldn't fucking know would I Rose."

"Indeed, they're lacking in a few particular areas. For example there are certainly some wonderful things that Kanaya can do with those fangs of he-"

"Right, right I get it! Read the book before passing it on. You were the one looking for new reading material and I brought it to you."

"And I'm terribly grateful for that Karkat."

Kanaya chuckled and Karkat hit her playfully, causing her chuckle to become a full fledged laugh. That was just about when a group of trolls, blue bloods by the look of it, approached them. They had a mean look in their eye and each had a rock in their hand. Rose glanced up at them and raised an eyebrow, frowning slightly. Kanaya didn't budge, unaware of their new company and Karkat stood slowly.

"What do you want?"

"We want you off our fucking beach mutant, just because the humans tolerate you doesn't mean we have to. Leave or we'll cull you and your two friends here. This is troll territory after all."

Kanaya sat up at that and was about to speak out when Karkat started to gather up his stuff, piling it into his bag and shouldering it. "Tell the others I went home because I wasn't feeling well. " He said, a victorious grin plastering the faces of what was essentially a lynching mob. He was halfway down the beach when the first stone struck his back, the others followed soon after.

He was thrown out of the dream quite forcefully, looking around the space left of the white plain had been reduced to nothing more than a thin corridor a meter wide leading to the final orb. He walked towards it, darkness filling in the space behind him as he did so. Snapping at his heels. He picked up the pace, his heart racing in his chest. Just when he thought that he was about to be engulfed by the darkness he was plunged into the bathroom of his apartment. He was sitting against the wall, a razor in one hand and his phone in the other. It was two in the morning, at least that's what his phone said and it had always been a little off. He dialled Kanaya's number and put the phone to his ear, there was ten seconds of awful silence before a sleepy voice answered on the other end.

"K-kanaya?"

"Karkat? What's wrong?" There was a rustling down the other end of the line.

"I uhm, nothing. Nothing is wrong."

"Then why, pray tell, did you call me so early in the morning?"

"I just... uhh... I guess I wanted to say goodbye."

He rested the phone on his shoulder and pressed it to his ear and quickly dragged the razor across his wrist. He cut deeply and cleanly twice, severing the artery and causing blood to begin to spurt for the wound. He felt nauseous as his mutant blood spilled out on the tiled floor.

"Goodbye?" More rustling followed by the sounds of wardrobes being opened and closed.

"Yeah... goodbye and sorry, about everything."

"Sorry about everything? Karkat you're not making any sense. Where are you?"

"I'm a-at my apartment, I... listen thank everyone for everything, tell them it wasn't their fault. Tell Terezi... tell her this wasn't her fault either."

"Karkat what did you do? You're starting to scare me."

"I know and I'm sorry I mean I wasn't going to call you but then I decided I didn't want... I didn't want to be alone in the end."

"Karkat I'm coming over."

"N-no! Don't, it's fine honestly just pass on to the others what I told you."

"This is not fine."

"I-it is, Kanaya I don't have much time so just... don't blame yourself. This was m-my decision, my idea, it has nothing to do with anyone so just leave it at that okay?"

"Karkat Vantas if you die tonight I will never forgive you."

"..."

"Karkat?"

He hung the phone up then and closed his eyes, he felt light headed. In his bathroom he waited there, alone and for the end to come.

In the hospital, the real Karkat, the one in a coma shifted in his sleep before lying still. Dave leant over him, Kanaya, Nepeta, and Aradia having left the room to go get coffee. Slowly his friends eyes fluttered open and Dave him what was possibly the least manly, least ironic hug he'd ever given anyone, practically lifting Karkat off the bed in his embrace. Karkat's shot open in confusion but he returned the hug, holding Dave who was now crying in relief into his shoulder.

"Karkat..."

"Yes Dave?"

"Don't do that again."

"I don't intend to."

"Karkat?"

"Yes?"

"If you tell anyone what's happening right now, I will kill you."

Karkat laughed and Dave pulled away, grinning at his friend and laughing with him.

**Author's Note:**

> So this took a while, hope you enjoyed it. Leave Kudos, comments, reviews (Love me some criticism.) or message me at http://sirhate.tumblr.com/ and leave me a request. That is totally a thing that I'm doing and it's all free. You request will be posted here in a special requests section that I am yet to make.


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